i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
