I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
