remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
