I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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