i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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