I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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