just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
this is an emotional support booty call
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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