I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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