at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
