Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
there is glitter all over my balls
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
