grandma shit on top of the toilet
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
