Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
