oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
