i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
