xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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