when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
