i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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