Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
