Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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