Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
