Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
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