tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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