i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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