You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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