So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
