My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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