on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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