no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
