why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
