well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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