so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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