Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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