He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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