I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize