Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
