Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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