Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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