I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She announced her abortion via fbk
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Found the puke drawer
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
