Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
