got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
