this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
