Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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