I didn't shave. On purpose
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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