Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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