she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize