I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
