I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
