Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
