so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
