if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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