seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
