Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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