Can i not drive my cunt home
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize