I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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