what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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