i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
