So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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