i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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