I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize