yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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