I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
