I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize