just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
